Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles and weaknesses.

~ Norman Vincent Peale

MizFit has been setting challenges lately about stepping outside your comfort zone and doing things that you're afraid of, which I think is wonderful. There are so many things in life that we can miss out on because we're afraid.

I've suffered from panic disorder for about twelve years now - at least, that is when it was diagnosed, because that's when the panic attacks became uncontrollable. But looking back, I think I've probably suffered from it for most of my life.

I was afraid of everything. I was a very outwardly confident, rather razen young lady, I will admit, and probably had I told anyone I was ruled by fear, I'm sure they'd have been shocked. But internally, I was perpetually anxious. I was afraid of being alone, and I was terrified of crowds. I was afraid of the future. I was afraid of looking stupid. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of being kidnapped or raped or attacked if I were left alone at home for any length of time. I was afraid of getting lost. I was afraid of flunking out of school (despite being a straight-A student). I was afraid of not having any friends. And the list goes on, ad infinitum. Many nights, I didn't sleep at all, because I was frozen by nebulous fears.

Yet, at the same time, I was strangely fearless. I would wander in the woods for hours without another soul around. I would ride my bike on the highway without a thought for the possibility of getting hurt. Roller coasters were my raison d'etre. I'd stand up in front of the class and give a presentation or crack jokes while the class discussed something and never have a qualm about being ridiculed.

I'd like to say it's the same way today. I try to live life as fully and as fearlessly as I possibly can, despite the fact that there is an enormous amount of fear in me. And yet...sometimes I find myself opening my eyes, and then, to paraphrase a concept presented in an amazing work by Terry Pratchett**, I open them again. I open my mind and my eyes more fully, and I realize how occluded my self-awareness has been.

I don't live fearlessly. There are so many things I don't do, now. I cling to my routine and my habits and my personal space like a security blanket, insulating me and keeping me safely sealed away from the bright, scintillating, dangerous world out there. I have wrapped myself in stagnancy and complacency, and I have felt smugly content.

But when I open that other set of eyes, I am somewhat appalled. So many of the things that I want so badly - oh, like, say, to be published? - I have failed to chase because of fear. I find excuses not to do what I have to do to make them happen, because I am afraid of failing - or afraid of succeeding, and having to adjust to a changed life. While that change is what I think I want, the prospect actually frightens me, because it would be different.

What is at the bottom of this? I've thought a lot about that in the past few weeks, and I can only conclude that it's a basic lack of faith in myself, a basic belief that I am not worthy nor competent to reach out and claim what I want. I just can't seem to believe that I deserve it. And that makes me simultaneously angry and so sad, because that isn't who I want to be. It isn't who I thought I was, any more.

As much as I have learned and changed and grown over the past ten years, there seems to be a current of self-loathing that I can't seem to root out. Part of me wants to just weep at that realization, to bemoan the fact that I don't seem to have made any progress at all despite how hard I've worked.

But that's the same part. The part that looks at that core of fear and just wilts, thinking, "I'm never going to feel better about myself," is the same part that is ruled by that fear. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, a closed loop that feeds itself endlessly. Because the truth is, I have made enormous progress. I know so much more about myself and about my world than I did before, and I have the tools I need to take these demons and turn them into angels. I do not accept my own heartsick estimation of myself at these times, because I know it's flawed. I am afraid that I haven't changed - but I know I have. It's just that there is always more to learn, and the journey toward being the best me is one that will never, ever be ended, at least until I am ended.

So I have a choice to make. Do I give in to the discouragement and weariness that these insights seem to breed? Do I curl up in a ball the way I want to, and just tell the world to go away, that I just can't deal? Or do I push that away, refuse to give in, and keep grimly marching on, demanding improvement and change?

Actually, it's not that simple. It's not that black and white. There really is a middle ground, and it lies somewhere within acceptance and real self-love. It requires that I love myself not only enough to change, but to know that I am worthy of that love even without the change. I am deserving of love now, not just "when I get there". I don't have to demand anything, I don't have to struggle. I don't have to reject that part of myself and fight to carve it into something I can love.

Instead, I can choose to accept it. I can choose to acknowledge it, to open my heart to that frightened self, and to know that it's okay. It's all right to be afraid. I don't need to be ashamed of that, or hurt by it. It's just a part of me. It's what I choose to do with it that matters.

For me, at least, it's a basic truth that you can't fight fear with negative emotions. You can't fight it with anger, or with denial, or a stern demand for courage. You can't fight it, period. But that doesn't mean you have to yield to it. You can accept it and know it as a part of you, and by doing so, you can rob it of its power. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, that fear makes me want to not do this thing. I accept that. I acknowledge it. And I will do the thing anyway, understanding the fear as a product of uncertainty and my own human fallibility. And when it is all said and done, I will not have conquered the fear - I will have transmuted it. Because I will have done the thing and I will know that my fears were needless - doing the thing did not kill me, and it did not take away all that is good in my life.

I think it's important to face your fears, but to face them with love and acceptance. Because there is so much that is beautiful and wonderful in life, and sometimes - like the path to the summit of the mountain - the way you have to travel to get there is scary and dangerous. And though the view from the top is so worth it, you don't have to drag your frightened self there kicking and screaming. You can just...sort of take your own hand and lead gently, and then enjoy the view together.

So today, I'm not resolving not to be afraid. I'm just resolving to accept and understand my own fear, without railing against it, and work toward achieving my goals regardless. But not grimly, not angrily, not with my teeth clenched against the fear. Rather, with the understanding that, succeed or fail, I still have the love and affection of my family and friends - and I really do deserve it. Someday, I know, if I keep reminding myself of that, I will truly own it with all of me. For now, it's enough to know it with most of me. :-)

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**Please to rush out and get The Wee Free Men and A Hat Full of Sky, and for that matter everything else the man has ever written; you won't be sorry.

"Instead of passing judgment on each other, let us make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of any brother or sister." (Romans 14:13a)

When you catch yourself making life unnecessarily difficult for others and you get around to asking yourself "Why am I doing this?", what do you usually find to be the answer?

Im getting through the past- im going to follow my dreams.

_ mandy

Here it is:

There are four obstacles. First we are told from childhood onwards that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up wiht this idea, and as the years acumulate soo too do the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But its still there.

If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced byt the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do but are afraid of hurting those around us bu abandoning everything to pursue our dream. we do not realise that loe is just further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against a third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesnt work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse "Oh, well , I didnt really want it anyway." We do want it and know that we have staked  everything on it and that the path of personal calling is no easier tha any other path, except that our whole heart is in this journey. The, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how.

I ask myself are defeats necessary?

Well, necessary or not,they happen. When we first begin fighting for our dreams, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secrets of life though is to fall seven times and get up 8 times.

So why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?

Because once we have overcome defeat - and we always do - we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. Int he silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. Each day, eachhour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense,unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and , without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

having disintered our dream, having used the  power of love to nurture it  and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us,perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.

Oscar Wilde said "Each man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want  fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get  what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we have overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the  things we had to give up in order to get this far. Ihave known a lot of people who when their personal calling was  within their grasp, went on to commit , a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal - when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has kind ofa saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing  you fought so hard to get then become an instrument of God, youhelp the soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.

Paulo Coelho

Rio de Janeiro

November 2002

translated by Margaret Jull Costa

EMc- The Grudge

Cosmo- Never Give In f. Jason Harris *LOCAL ARTIST*

This summer, I have had talks with the Special Needs Coordinator of the municipality and she had informed me that Michaela will no longer be bussed to and from school. She will now have to walk. This is impossible I told her. Now that we have moved, high school is a few miles away from us. The school I originally wanted Caela to attend, would have been only a few blocks away but the program is unsuitable for her as it’s a completely modified program for lower cognitively challenged students. So, the co-ordinator tells me that Michaela will have to take REGULAR TRANSIT to and from school. Then she makes me feel bad that I have not been TEACHING HER! You cannot imagine my outrage. The very idea of Caela taking regular transit made me and still makes me ill. Then she tells me THAT ITS TIME that I hire a life-skills worker to work with Caela on this in order to prepare her for next year. Yeah. It would have been nice at least to have a little forewarning regarding this matter. Also its not what she is telling me, its “how” she’s telling me this information. You know, it shouldn’t be a problem since autistic kids learn NEW ROUTINES so quickly not to mention easily (major sarcasm here). I was fortunate to secure the bus for this year only. I had to strongly insist on it. As the old saying goes, the parent who hollers the loudest, gets results first.

The next blow: Michaela will now not be having any additional support in school with an educational assistant due to 66 EA layoffs in the district. Michaela has not known education without the support of an educational assistant. She needs the support.

This particular program that Michaela is now enrolled in, is a career preparation program. Its not a fully modified program however, they‘re going to have to do it for her. A lot of good this program will be- as Michaela suffers enormously from impulsivity issues and has very poor organizational skills.

I’ve been recently informed that the B.C. government has raised the IQ level to 70. This means many special needs individuals will be denied government assistance when they finish high school. The outrage I feel is enormous. The government is well aware that high functioning autistic individuals can be brilliant and intelligent but they are enormously challenged when it comes to life and organizational skills. Without the necessary support, most fail miserably in this department and so many end up on the streets, hooked on drugs and or alcohol.

See below this post for the link to the story regarding the BC government changing the IQ level for special needs individuals.

Currently, my daughter sits just under the 70 IQ percentile. She was just re-assessed before the end of this past June and her psychologist could not stress enough how important it is, to make sure that Michaela be re-tested again before she leaves high school. The psychologist warned me that it is possible that if the government refuses to lower IQ level, Michaela will most likely be denied receiving her disability pension cheque when she becomes 19. I cannot emphasize enough, how important this disability cheque will be to my daughter when she becomes an adult.

My daughter will most likely receive the necessary training at high school that will prepare her for employment. Most individuals who receive this training, hold only part-time employment as most are unable to secure full time due to their cognitive challenges. The additional disability pension assists with paying the bills. Like so many others who suffer from cognitive or neurological challenges, Michaela will not be able to keep full time employment due to her short term memory issues, distractibility, impulsivity issues and poor organizational skills. Unless by some miracle she is able to retrain her mind. Due to her “so-called high IQ” she is now deemed intelligent enough to support herself and live on her own independently. What the government conveniently ignores is that there are many forms of intelligence. Academics is just one of them. What about the other intelligences?

I have to admit, despite all these challenges, it will be interesting to see how Michaela will cope or do when thrust out there on her own in high school. As much I hate to promote this tough love stance, the documented paperwork will be invaluable and in the long run and it will assist her when she becomes an adult.

It will kill me as a parent, to let my special needs child to be put in this position in order to help her in the future. On the other hand, it is important to allow these children opportunities to prove themselves.  Despite all my training and experience I too, need to remind myself of this fact.

I will be for sure, sharing her pain and anxiety for the next long while. Here is the website I wrote about:

 http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/westcoastnews/story.html?id=834f0a78-0de3-488a-a3b7-5b01fe8d20c7

I've been having difficulties with this computer and the above link.  Should you not be able to access this link, you can view the article on the Autism Community Training Website  http://www.actcommunity.net/.  The article is on the right hand side of the page. 

It's a story of failure.

Unless one is under the age of 17, we pretty much know that most of us are not bound for celebrity and fame, most of us will not become millionaires or rock stars, and most of us will never dramatically change the world.  And we can tell how much we've 'grown' by how much we've gotten past our need to be important and significant on a national or global scale.

Growing up is growing into the deeper understanding of what truly is important and how we actually  fit into the fabric of life as we know it.  We see first hand how celebrity and fame and fortune do not equate to happiness and all it takes is one look at Michael Jackson to see that money can't buy what really matters.

It's how you live when no one  is watching, that reveals the truth of your spirit.

For every 200m medalist, for every "Sports Illustrated" cover, for every record broken, there are legions of athletes who fall behind.  Athletes in America are pretty lucky; they can devote a decade to their Olympic ambition and have the best trainers, equipment, and environment.

It was sheer happenstance that I came across the story of the Somalian runners.  They, Samia Yusuf Omar and Abdi Said Ibrahim, were not treated to a "Cool Runnings" treatment of their failure.  They ran, they lost, were forgotten.

As a cameraman panned down the starting blocks, it settled on lane No. 2, on a 17-year old girl with the frame of a Kenyan distance runner. Samia’s biography in the Olympic media system contained almost no information, other than her 5-foot-4, 119-pound frame. There was no mention of her personal best times and nothing on previous track meets. Somalia, it was later explained, has a hard time organizing the records of its athletes.

She looked so odd and out of place among her competitors, with her white headband and a baggy, untucked T-shirt. The legs on her wiry frame were thin and spindly, and her arms poked out of her sleeves like the twigs of a sapling. She tugged at the bottom of her shirt and shot an occasional nervous glance at the other runners in her heat. Each had muscles bulging from beneath their skin-tight track suits. Many outweighed Samia by nearly 40 pounds.

-Charles Robinson

Samia was the slowest female runner in a group of 46 women.  By the time she crossed the finish line, half the people in the stadium had already left because no one noticed she was still out there...running her heart out. 

By all accounts, Samia failed.  At 17 years old, she leaves the Olympics with little fanfare and almost no attention.  "I have my pride" she said.  She will grace no magazine covers, will make no endorsement deals.  She will return to a country that has been ripping itself apart since 1991, a country that has no money for facilities and training, a country that can barely feed its populace - much less its athletes. 

And, because she is a women in a majority Muslim country, many feel that she is an abomination.

She is often bullied and threatened by militia or locals who believe that Muslim women should not take part in sports. In hopes of lessening the abuse, she runs in the oppressive heat wearing long sleeves, sweat pants and a head scarf. Even then, she is told her place should be in the home – not participating in sports.

Yet, Samia persisted.    She ran in pockmarked streets, past burning tires, and often survived on bread and water.  And still she ran.  She was completely misplaced in the Olympic games; a fact that she did not realize until she was mid-run.  The Somalian Olympic Federation sent Samia, a middle distance runner, to a 200-meter heat.  Yet still she ran.

The odds were stacked against her and, no small wonder, she was a full 9.12 seconds behind the leader.  I know 10 seconds doesn't sound like a lot, but it may as well be ten years in 'Olympic time'.  She was clearly embarassed by her poor showing. 

"I was happy the people were cheering and encouraging me,” she said. “But I would have liked to be cheered because I won, not because I needed encouragement. It is something I will work on. I will try my best not to be the last person next time. It was very nice for people to give me that encouragement, but I would prefer the winning cheer."

Her new goal?  Not to be last.

In the midst of the games - the opulence, the spectacle, the sheer grandeur - Samia's countrymen could be found huddled around the few television sets with a signal.  It was 5am.  For a fleeting moment, a country ripped at the seams could be united, could take pride that their flag was among the flags of all the other nations in the world, could be inspired by an olympic torch that never traveled their city streets.

She gave it her everything, all without the prospect of the shiny lure, with the certain knowledge that she would win no medal, break no record.  Did she fail?  Yes.  But did she fail?

Every once in a while I get an email forward with a quote from Mark Twain,

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."

...and I wonder.  What could we do if we lived  like no one was watching?  If we knew that today was our last?  How would we love?  How open our hearts would be. 

If we let go of the need to be seen,  what magic could be wrought?

Have you tried the Platform mode in TMU(F)? Quite difficult, right? Even with unlimited amount of time and the knowledge that each section is passable from the last CP, there are sections where you just stare in plain disbelief at the seemingly impossible task ahead. Such as when you were getting faster and faster, finally facing a sequence of about a dozen air CPs that you were supposed to fly through in one pass...

Most track builders only build race tracks; this is mainly because online servers usually rotate race tracks, so building something else automatically lessens the chance of your track becoming known.

How to build a good platform track?

Let's start with the basic "rules" of platform mode. Although some of them may be violated a bit, it would be better to respect them.

1. The track must be finishable from any CP respawn. No exceptions.
2. After respawning in a CP, the respawning player should be able to pass the next segment by going forward - no backtracking should be required, although an alternate route may be available for a particularly fast jump etc.
3. Your author score must be "0 penalty points"; the gold medal should be set to 0 as well, with 3 penalty points for silver and 10 penalty poins for bronze. That's the setting for official platform tracks, and it should be followed in custom tracks as well. Don't make the limits harder just because you built an "easier" platform tracks - those are needed too!

OK, that would be the basic concepts, but what to build to make the track challenging as a platform track?

There are several "themes" for this as well:

Engine killers - the #1 tool of platform track builders, the engine killer forces the player to pass the next area with a car that keeps getting slower and slower. This means that wall scratches, sliding and braking may result in halt, and a respawn. In combination with the other themes, this seriously increases the challenge.

Technical corners - forcing the player to find the optimum path around corners, especially in combination with an engine killer, is also very common in platform tracks.

The right speed - a thing that is very difficult in trackmania to achieve is keeping a particular speed. Unless you are using foot pedals, you are either gaining or losing speed, which means it's nearly impossible to travel at one exact speed. The above mentioned jump through a series of air CPs required that the speed of the car fall into a narrow range - cars that were faster crashed into the upper parts of the CPs, while slower cars didn't make the whole jump. In combination with a long jump through a narrow spot, such as a "hole" in the wall, forcing the player to try and get the right speed may be very challenging.

Dirt - dirt, the loved/hated alternate ground for Stadium, can be very tricky. Not only do the formula cars oversteer and slide on it, but it is also known to randomly bounce, flip or slow down the cars when they land on it. Which means a slight difference in speed, jump angle or airbraking moment may have a huge impact on whether you make it through the next section or not.

High speed - similar to full-speed tracks, by making a section of the track mandatorily fullspeed (meaning: either the player drives it fullspeed, or he won't make the final jump etc.), you can increase the challenge a lot. Please always verify that the section is playable by keyboarders as well - there were cases of Coast tracks with high speed turns that were only doable by steering wheel users (coastal car slides if you turn at full speed).

Downstairs! - by forcing the player to perform "non-driving" things, such as walking the car "down the stairs" (a set of descending platforms), you can increase the challenge, because such tasks are uncommon (rare) and it may take the player some tries to truly grasp the concepts of airbraking, spin-drops etc.

Security by obscurity - I've borrowed this term from computer security, where hiding (obscuring) information about the programming language or operating system you are using can make it harder to crack. Likewise, if you obscure an obstacle the player will only have a limited time to react to it. In combination with an engine killer, this may be deadly (the player's car cannot continue after crashing into the obstacle). The christmas trees on Stadium, heaps of rocks or cargo containers on Desert, or all those decorations available for Island - they can all be used very effectively to obscure the situation.

Tire them down! - make the track longer. It's always harder to stay 100% focused for 2 minutes than it is to stay focused for 30 seconds. This is especially good for making the gold medal (0 penalty points) harder to reach - players are more likely to make a mistake after a long race.

The MT madness - nothing throws a player out of ballance more than if you suddenly switch the view to some unusual angle. If used with caution, this may increase the challenge without frustrating the player. Of course, if you choose an angle that makes it impossible to guess distances or steer properly, they will hate you!

What other tips for making challenging platform tracks do you know? Share them in the discussion!

Dreams of being caged may sound quite simple to understand, but in reality they often prove more of a challenge than you might initially think.  For while we can easily understand that a cage represents some kind of restriction or loss of freedom, knowing why the cage exists, and how to be released from it can be a lot more challenging indeed.

When you dream of a cage, it can help to start by looking at who or what is in the cage.  By using some of the other posts I have written you may begin to realise which aspect of yourself is caged.  Is it a wild animal?  Maybe your inner wild nature is being restricted.  Is it another person?  Maybe an aspect of your personality is being shut-off or caged. 

Dreams of being caged can also represent a difficulty your are facing in your waking life, where you feel circumstances do not allow you to be your real self, or where you are compromised in some way.  Take a look and see how much of this is really out of your control, and how much you are complicit in what is going on.  Are you just avoiding the confrontation or feel you lack the bravery it would take to change things?  For while cages can seem like a prison to some, to others they can be a safe haven.  Does the bird in the cage want to live there safe from the cat's evil claws, or would it rather fly away to freedom?  If you are the bird, what is it you really want?  For others, the cage keeps the wild things safely hidden away.  But remember, these are all simply aspects of yourself.  If you are a lion, do you want to roar proudly, or cower in the dark in shame and humiliation?

The reason dreams of being caged can be so difficult to resolve is because often it is only our-selves who have constructed the cage in the first place.  Dreams of cages invite us to consider:

• Where have we placed restrictions upon our-self?
• What self-limiting beliefs or behaviours are we exhibiting?
• What part of ourselves do we need to "set free"

As soon as we begin to realise that we can cage our-selves with our own thoughts, dreams of being caged may become less distressing of frustrating.  Often, we hold the key to our own release.  Address these areas of your life, and see how your dreams may change to ones with symbols of freedom, such as running happilly, dancing, flying or floating. 

It may also be helpful to look at my posts on"Wild Animals" "Other People" and "Obstacles."

Your ego, the part of you that you think of as "I", makes choices and takes action in the world. It is responsible for your safety. One of the primary ways that the ego ensures safety is to maintain the status quo.  The ego is not keen on any growth or change that diminishes the ego’s hold on you or reality as it knows it.  Your ego isn't going to let you find or pursue your purpose if it thinks that it is or will be unsafe from it’s perspective.

You're probably aware of your desire to know your purpose, or you wouldn't be reading this.  Are you also aware of the part of you that DOESN'T want to know your purpose, or is AFRAID of knowing your purpose? If not, sense into it. Watch what arises in you as you entertain notions such as: "what if my purpose tells me to change jobs?", "What if my purpose doesn’t involve making a good living?”.

Our fears come from our attachments and resistance to step into the truth and accept it’s reality.

Stay tuned for Part 4

It is very hard for me to understand why people are unable to treat people with a certain level of respect. Even if you do not like someone or you cannot stand to be around someone, a little bit of respect can take a person a long way. It hurts me when people treat others like they are the scum of the earth just because they are not as skilled as you are. Everyone is not perfect, not everyone can be at the highest level of skill. But, everyone does deserve respect, even if it is only a little.

Also, the constant thought is why I am going through pain again in my life. I may not like that it is happening, but my friend Sarah said it the best, "Ashley, we may not like that it is happening again, but maybe there is a reason it is happening now. Maybe it is because life needs you to get it fixed now, so that it will not be a problem in the future." I am hoping that this is the reason why. I am hoping that I will figure out what is wrong, it will be something that is fixable, and then maybe (crossing fingers) it will be something that I will not have to deal with again. I have gotten through it once, I can do it again. One step at a time, one obstacle at a time, and before I know it, it will be over. My support system is the best, I have to say, and I know that they will be there every step of the way pulling me along, reminding me that I can do it (and I will be repeating over and over, I think I can I know I can!)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

Life, one crazy journey it is for sure. Sometimes it is full of smiles, laughs and good times. But other times it is full of sadness, heartache, and pain. You cannot always chose which part we will be dealt and at what time we are given that obstacle, because if that were the case it would be way too easy. We will always be surprised when it comes and we will take past experiences and the experiences of those that are close to us and then we will be able to overcome what has been given to us. We are never given more than each of us can handle. We are always given what they know we can deal with, and we always come out the other side a stronger person with more life lessons learned.

So, lots has been going on in my mind, all good for the soul, food for thought, mostly preparing me for the coming weeks of dealing with this obstacle.

“There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity.”

~hugs and love~

Of course, I do on occasion feel happy about me and Mr B.

But there are so many obstacles to get through and some days I begin to wonder if it's all going to be worth it in the end. What happens if we win all our battles and come out on the other side and just realise that it was the fight that made life interesting?

As I write these words I know they're not true, it's not going to be like that. Thank goodness. He is special. It's just that I lose track of that sometimes.

So maybe I'm not so ambivalent after all.

Here's a tip though:  When running a challenge, try to persuade your family members to refrain from having major health problems.  It probably helps.

Anyway.  The end goal of the Labor Day Challenge was to see a change.  Some change, any change, whatever change your little heart desireth.  And to make little changes each week to make that happen.

Well, with one week to go on the Challenge (almost Labor Day, people!) I must confess my progress has been spotty.  I've spent most of that time at the hospital or at my Mom's, and have not been as vigilant as I'd like.  However, for the past couple of weeks I have been trying pretty hard, and I'm pretty happy with the way I've done.  No, I haven't been perfect - but perfect was never the goal.  Making little changes that would lead to a noticeable change in me, was the goal.

I've reached it.  I've been doing well with food; not perfect, but well.  Progressively better, in fact.  Yesterday was a bit off-plan, but not too horrendous.  And I've been doing well with exercise - lots of cardio; not a lot of strength, which I do miss, but I've been moving a lot.  And I've been incorporating yoga and meditation whenever possible, which was one of my little changes.

So yesterday, I put on a pair of cargo pants I haven't worn in a few weeks.  The reason I hadn't worn them was that they had gotten tight - and those pants have never been that tight.  It was extremely depressing, so I stuck with other choices, mostly with elastic waists.  :-)

But yesterday, after just a little over a week of watching my food and walking regularly, I put the pants on - and they were not tight.  They weren't falling off - but they weren't tight.  And all day yesterday (even before putting on the pants) - and this morning - I have felt a bit thinner.

So there's my change.  Of course I'm not calling that a win and stopping, because the LDC is just a mini-journey within the larger one.  And I want to see continuing changes.  Plus I have a week to go.  But it feels good to know I haven't completely blown it.

That's the good news.  Now for the bad news.

While showering yesterday, I moved my head backward to rinse my hair and experienced possibly the most excruciating pain I've ever felt above the waist and when not in labor.  Somewhere in my upper back/lower neck region.  In the region of C-7, C-8, T-1, for those of you in the know.  Not.  Good.

I've been having problems with my shoulders and upper back ever since Mom went into the hospital.  Naturally, I blamed it on stress-induced muscle tension.  It was horrific for a while, then gradually got better and lately I haven't had too much trouble with it.  But this is the first time that the pain was clearly originating in the vertebrae rather than the muscles.  Evidently there is more of a problem there than I thought.

I am now experiencing what you might call limited mobility of the upper back and neck - if, by "limited mobility", you mean "every time I need to turn my head I resemble one of those cheesy 80's robot-dancers".  Which I, unfortunately, do.  About the only position that is mostly pain-free is flat on my back, with my head straight, no pillow.  FYI, you don't get a lot of cleaning done in that position.  So there went my house-cleaning plans.  Fortunately, I got most of the really critical stuff done Saturday.

So now I'm toying with my options as to how to deal with this?  I know, I know...go to the doctor.   And of course, if it isn't better in a couple of days, I won't have any choice.  So cross your fingers for me that it's better.

And as a sign of my unhealthy obsession with weight loss, my very first thought (well, after "Ow!  Holy S**T that hurt!" was "Oh, crap, how am I going to get in my arm work now?"  :-)  But there is always a way.  I just have to figure out what I can do that doesn't hurt, and do it.  I'm still on step one.  Haven't found anything yet.  Cross your fingers for me there, too, would you?

Right now, though, I have a distressingly large volume of work to get out so I'm ghost.  So you all have a wonderful Monday and let me know how you're doing with small changes leading to a big one?

FOLLOW THE LEADER

One person is designated the leader. The others are obligated to follow wherever the leader goes, surmounting whatever obstacles or spaces are traversed, and doing all the actions and motions, which are performed by the leader. The game can be played so that players are eliminated by their failure to perform tasks or go where the leader goes, But it can also be a game of participation where doing is sufficient reward, and there is little or no notion of "Winning or losing".

I recently wrote about being a leader or a follower - and concluded that I was both, depending on the occasion or situation. You have probably found yourself in the same position, having to take the role as a leader when called up, following when not. In reviewing the parameters of this game, the first rule, "being eliminated from the game if you don't follow the leader" is definitely a dictatorship, while the second rule, "being rewarded for trying, whether you succeed or not", is more of a democratic form of action, but lacks desire for commitment.

Follow the Leader is a game that requires some caution if you truly want to achieve success. I'm not advocating that you look to no one for advice and leadership, I'm just voicing my objection to blindly following someone who professes to be a leader without doing some investigating into the methods and outcomes of the path they are leading you down. Of course there are great leaders that we want to model our lives after, because their successes have been proven, but in this day and age, we are bombarded with testimonials for people who supposedly have achieved great deeds. How many times have you been tempted to try a new diet or a new "natural" supplement, or a nutritional program, or a new "sugar-free sweetner" because of the hype that they have given themselves?

Every day I have a new, improved diet program, diet pill, magic tea, amazing supplement, or something that will create "quick weight loss" come across my computer screen, all of which will probably do what they say they will do for a short period of time. How many times have you used one of these "instant weight loss" diet methods because you wanted to lose 5 or 10 pounds for a particular function, giving no thought to what happens after that event has come and gone? That is what causes the yo-yo dieting that is so harmful to your health, and contributes so greatly to your poor self-image.

Before you subcumb to following the lead of the person with the best hype, do a little due diligence and follow the person who has truly found the way to achieve your desired success. If you are impressed with and have a tendency to believe all you read about your favorite celebrity, such as Kirsti Alley and Oprah Winfrey, as most of us do, be sure to find out exactly what and how they achieve the successes they do in the weight reduction field. I'm sure it will come as no surprise that they still fight the "war of overweight" and while many of the activities they subscribe to are successful, many of us cannot afford the expensive weight loss program, the personal trainers, the person chefs, etc. - we need something a little more down to earth.

You might want to give a little thought - no, give a lot of thought to becoming your own leader and find something that you can achieve within yourself, like I did. Each and every person has the capacity to achieve any goal that is truly desired - believe in yourself, love of yourself and your body, - these are some of the core elements you have within yourself that you can draw from to achieve that attractive and thin figure you dream about.

You can be the leader you follow.

Think Thin Thoughts!

Adinear

I still walk around in fear everyday that it will happen to me again and it's scary to walk around living in fear.  It makes you not try something for the fear of it striking wherever it decides to plague you.

After the car service center debacle I had a side job the next day and I woke up feeling sick inside.  All day long I didn't want to go but I knew I HAD to.  I had no choice but to go.  So, my friend came with me (thank God) and about 45 mins before I had to work I took 1 Xanax.  By the time I had to do my thing I felt "ok" and I was my normal self while working which was good but I still was upset that the entire day I was "on edge."

Then I was fine from Saturday night until Wednesday when I had a meeting at work with some people that I had talked to many times on the phone before but never met in person.  I was the only one meeting with them so I didn't have that security blanket of people I knew well going to the meeting with me.  I went to pick them up at the security desk and I felt totally fine.  I brought them to the room to meet with someone else first.  Then I came back later to join them for our meeting.

When I got in the room I was fine for quite a few minutes but then I found myself not being able to concentrate on anything else but the rising feeling of panic.  I truly felt for a minute that I was going to lose it and that I was going to have to cut everyone off to tell them that I needed to get up and sit on the floor of the confernece room.

I didn't want that to happen more than anything in the world so I started drinking my cold ice water trying to bring that cold feeling through my body hoping to squash that hot feeling that was coming over me.  Then within that minute I decided that I needed to take a Xanax (which thankfully with my girl scout nature I brought with me just in case...I never was a girl scout by the way...I just behave like one).  I took one quickly not caring if anyone noticed me taking something.

And then I just sat there quietly, breathing, trying to pay attention to what the woman was saying across from me.  I drank my water and silently prayed for this feeling of horror and dread to pass.  I silently prayed for my medication to work for me and the misfires happening in my brain to calmly go back to a dormant state.  I sucked the water through the straw praying for peace to finally return to my life.  The panic subsided, the meeting continued, I finished the rest of my work day in a very sleepy manner (falling asleep at my computer at least 3 times) and then I went home.

I had a terrible night, personally, that night and felt so sad inside that I went to sleep early (by my standards) and decided to work from home the next day.  I needed some time alone to concentrate and to work on feeling better for all of the things that were bothering me and I just couldn't imagine sitting through another day in the office smiling and trying to conduct myself in a happy manner when all I wanted to do was cry.

Today I go back to the supermarket for the first time since the horrible panic attack in the froze aisle.  My friend is actually going with me because I just don't want to go alone this time.  It's been 3 weeks so I'm hoping that I feel completely normal there.  The mind works its own scary ways...I'm sure I will be okay since I won't be alone to face this place.

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor just to follow up on how things have been going. We'll see what she recommends when I tell her how it's been.

I've felt fine with the anxiety since Wednesday which is good but I still walk in fear of when it will strike again.  I'm not sure if that feeling will go away in time as the panic happens less and less but we shall see...

As we met around the big table at hospice, going through patients' charts to discuss treatment and prognosis, I became aware of withdrawing. Not just emotionally but pushing my chair towards the periphery. I felt reluctant to take in what was being said, didn't want to hear.

During three days of my absence, all but two of last week's patients had either died or been transferred. As I turned inwards to listen, asking “What is this?”, I encountered a heavy heart and an ego cowering in its corner. Oh not again, it lamented, do I have to meet all-new patients today, only to have them die? Last week I was lulled into thinking that we'd reached some kind of stability. I knew everyone a little, had established relationships, was recognized when I entered their room. Now they’re all gone. And I (my scared “me”) have to start all over, expose my heart again and again. 

It’s good to listen to these voices. And to realize, as my teachers remind us, that they are just that: voices. They’re not me but they’re part of me. Coming and going, arising and falling away, serving some purpose beyond comprehension. Like breath. Like the seasons. Impermanent, yet as real as anything that enters awareness.

Stephen Levine speaks of “hindrances” in our spiritual unfolding. They “reinforce the unfinished business of the mind, the dead spots in the body acquired over a lifetime of compulsively pushing away the unwanted. They encourage the mistaken identity that causes us to lunge with anger or cringe in fear, the confusion of the mind that hinders the pathway to the heart and limits our healing.”

Hindrances and obstacles, I am reminded, are not getting in the way, they ARE the way. What is new for me is that instead of reacting, I pay attention to them. Instead of turning away, I turn towards. In Buddhist practice the Sanskrit word samskara refers to the deepest-rooted tendencies sitting beneath shallow awareness. Relating directly to discomfort, pain, and illness has the power to take us to the deepest level of healing. ”The discomfort that arises,” writes Levine, “… can be seen metaphorically like a drill probing through the hard layers of armoring and denial, reaching the deep reservoirs of long-held isolation and fear.”

Indeed, while in the past I might have gotten stuck by withdrawing from the table at hospice, even left the room under some pretence, I stayed put and paid attention to the voice form within. I became curious and inserted the gentle probe of “What is it?” into my heart. I still don’t know what “it” is, but I’m becoming more at ease with what I don’t know.

sources:  Levine, S. (1987). Healing into life and death. New York: Anchor Books, p. 221. The tool of asking “What is it?” comes from the writing of Zen teachers Joko Beck and Ezra Bayda. image: stanleybronstein.com.

The streak ended obviously by my last post and things weren't so good that day and I had a couple other bad days that I'd like to write up.  I really want to track the progress of this and how I'm doing because I feel it's important to be able to look back and see if there is progression, etc.  I hope to have time soon to put my thoughts down and write everything up.

Just in case you were worrying about me I wanted to say that "I'm okay today" and that's the best I can do.  Living one day at a time!

I have the doctor Monday morning (just to follow-up where I am after 3 weeks) and get a refill prescription.  We'll see how the goes.  Who knows...they may have to up the dosage...I'm not sure.  More to come.

Faith, a verb? just hear me out. A couple of years ago I had a discussion about the law of attraction with a prophet from my church, I was telling him about the Law of attraction, and how it was going to change my life. Because now I could just attract great things to me. That's when he told me that "it's not the law of attraction, but The Law Of Faith." That was only a small seed into what I am continuing to uncover.

The law of faith or The law of action. It states that whatever you are faithful towards is given to you, no matter good or bad. In Matthew 25:29 it says "For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance, but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away." When these words were spoken by Jesus he was talking about our talents, our gifts and abilities. One servant choose to hide his talent in the ground until his master returned from a far country. So he was called wicked and lazy his talent was taken from him and given to the faithful servant who traded his talents and was able to return back double what his master had given him.

So, what are you faithful towards? Is it positive or negative? If you are faithful towards debt more will be given to you, same with money, good or bad relationships, and everything else in life. If you have a voice and choose not to sing you will surely miss the talent search and someone else will take you place. If you take action toward the talents you are given more will be given in return because you were faithful. How many times did you not feel like working out until half way into your work out. That's because you took action first. You show you are faithful by taking action, not by believing to yourself that something will manifest on its own. Faith the Feeling is a result of Faith the action. After action then reward is given. This all sounds great, but there is one problem.

"It's to good to be true, you cannot just have what you ask for" or "What will others think of me?" These are the words that come from a man who is more focused on obstacles rather than his goals. So, I'm daring to say - What ever has stopped you in the past is your Master! Don't be held in bondage! Whether it is worrying about others opinions, a lack of money, or what ever your life story is that has held you back.

So now to the reason for this post, how do I make my problems go away? I gave you a small seed of it in the last paragraph but lets explore further. In Mark 11 Jesus cursed a fig tree because it had no fruits and it withered and died. He cursed the fig tree because it had no fruits! Just like your problems, what fruits are they bringing to your life. Then he said to his disciples "For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, Be removed and be cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says." Mountains are big and if we are not careful they will distract us from what we are sent out to accomplish. They are problems which keep you from your goals. But big or not they bear no fruits so why focus on them. One of my mentors once said "Why focus on what other people think, is that going to make you any money?"

He was right. Why divide your attention on obstacles, when you could have all your focus on your goals. Stopping your progress because of obstacles is like standing in front of a mountain with gold on the other side and saying I wish this mountain were not here because if it wasn't I would be able to reach the gold on the other side. Just keep pressing forward there will always be a problem that does not bear fruit but why focus on it when you could be focusing on your talents that do bear fruits.

And if after casting your mountain in the sea and YOU still don't move forward, now all that you have is an imaginary mountain. One that is created by the mind and is not really there - just take action, be faithful, and move forward. Your imaginary mountain can only stand as long as you let it.

(c) Joshua Caleb

Always one for a debate I tried to recall the scripture in my head. I know it had lots of possessive pronouns in it and I wanted to get them in the right order. Philippians 4:19 Paul was telling the Philippians, MY God will supply YOUR needs according to HIS riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

What I want to emphasize to you is that your supply is based on HIS riches, not yours. I could pull out other scriptures that talk about accessing your heavenly account and about the importance of sowing so you can reap but right now, there are some of you reading who have never sowed anything and wouldn't even know where to start. That however does not disqualify you from accessing God's supply. The reason is that Jesus paid the price that cleared your account and immediately gave you total access to all that God has for you.

If you have received Jesus as your Lord and Savior then all that God has is yours, without limitations. This is the gift of grace. The free and undeserved favor of a Mighty God.

Does this mean that you don't have to be a giver? No it doesn't. I have found that the more I receive and accept that I can access all that God has for me without measure, then I my desire to please Him increases and I desire to share whatever He blesses me with as often and as much as I can. Not too long ago, it was hard to find a dollar to share but I see my ability to give increasing daily. The more I open myself to give, the more I am open to receive. The more I accept that God wants to bless me, the more I am open to receiving what He has not only for my good but to the benefit of all who cross my path.

I have also learned that giving is not about cash alone. Give your time, give a few minutes to listen to a friend or a stranger who just needs to unburden their soul, share a word of encouragement, offer to pray for someone with a need. There are so many ways to give. You are only limited by your imagination and your fear of what people might think.

Don't allow anything to stop you from giving. Don't allow anyone to stop you from receiving what is a free gift for you to receive from a merciful and Heavenly Father.

Discovering your life’s purpose requires choices. The
two most important choices are these: Do I want to know what my
life’s purpose is? And, having discovered my purpose, do I want to
live my life in a way that is consistent with that purpose? However, in contemplating whether to discover one's purpose, people may fear that which is unknown to them. Contained within this unknown, though, is the part of you that already knows your purpose and how to fulfill it.

In order for us to manifest our purpose, we must be properly trained. Fortunately, the soul develops and executes our training plan. It does this by influencing our decisions and helping us to choose things that will develop us in ways that serve our purpose.
The soul also “arranges” experiences for us that will cause us to grow and develop. These experiences can often be unpleasant, such as car accidents, being fired or laid off, and losing loved ones. However, it is most often our “worst” experiences that can teach us the most. The soul doesn’t cause these things to happen in the normal sense, but often steers us toward learning opportunities that our ego would naturally avoid. Along the way, as we try out different things, we act in ways that are in alignment with our fundamental purpose, and also in ways that are not. While we are usually unaware of the purpose itself, these two ways of behaving feel very different to us when we reflect on our actions and behaviors.

By looking back over our lives and reviewing the qualities of our previous experiences, we may see that there were sets of qualities of experience that correspond to times when we were on purpose and other sets of experiences that correspond to times when we were off-purpose. By looking for similarities in those times or events, we can draw conclusions about our purpose.
We’re looking for times when we felt fulfilled, passionate, intensely alive, thoroughly utilized, that we make a difference, when things happen easily and seemingly chance coincidences occur to support our goals and projects, and our efforts produce results, as well as times when there is serendipity, flow or grace. At such times, it’s as though the wind is at our backs and is moving us along with very little sense of efforting on our part. The process is enjoyable even if it’s challenging, and we aren’t concerned about having enough energy or motivation to achieve our objectives. These are the times when we are ON PURPOSE although we may not be aware of our purpose as it’s occuring. When we are doing things in our life that support our purpose, our soul and life gives us positive feedback.

When we are out of alignment with our purpose, it feels very
different. We find obstacles at every turn. We have to muster up the energy and the will to follow through and complete things. There is a sense of swimming upstream or walking headlong into the wind and having to effort to move forward at all. We don’t enjoy the process much of the time. We are not satisfied by our accomplishments, or the satisfaction is fleeting. We wonder, at times, why we’re doing what we’re doing, and imagine greener pastures. I call this experience “slogging through mud”.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 3

Good advice. If you keep going, light will soon appear - and lead your way.