That everything is working against me.
That everything is going wrong or will go wrong due to some reason.
That things which are easy enough for me are not possible because of some reason.
That all of it, the whole set up is gonna crash in some time...and that too in a big way.
That people already know I am headed for doom.
That they underestimate me, or may be they estimate me just right.
That procrastinating things which do not seem important turn out to be big forces working towards impending disasters on a long enough time line.
That I have to get out of all this, to be better.
That I need something, may be some kind of accomplishment...it has been long overdue anyways.

but nothing has changed.

In every aplombing fashion.

There is no need to feel ambiguous,

of inscrutable matters between us.

Desiring the blind world to see

how invincible this bond means to me.

Losing something this valuable,

will seriously cause life to be unlivable.

By Alexis Reyna =]

In two days from now, life will be again as it used to be. On the surface, nothing will have happened. But during those ten days I was alone with my cats and Esme, the abyss has dug itself way deeper into the earth. I can feel myself sinking. There are no handholds I can see.

There is no bottom to worse. I am going down with my love for a woman I've been with for four days from face to face, and it remains to be argued whether the first three days count. We've been talking for three weeks by sms, by email, on the phone. Feels like I know her for years, know her by heart, her wishes, her fears, her desires, her hopes, and she knows mine.

Yet, we are strangers. Let's face it. There has never been any normality for us. We went from nothing to crazy in, what's it, one day - at least on my side. No movies, no sports, no hanging out together. No weekend get-away, no vacation, no - routine.

So how can I possible know that she's the one? Well, by the only way there is to know: I FEEL that she is the one. Feel it deep inside of me, feel it every second, with every thought, every breath, every beat of my heart.

She is the "one". And, very likely, the "one and only". The "one in a lifetime".

Does this help me? No. Only makes things worse. We all know my situation: girlfriend, two kids - you don't just throw this away, at least I don't. I don't think about it - I am so clever. I just postpone the question. They are not here right now, being on vacation. Esme is, however. So it is Esme my whole being is focused on.

This is illogical. I know that. It is not fair, either. Granted. And one day, in two days from now, I will have to face reality, will have to face kids and girlfriend again. Again, I know that. So why does this not matter for me?

It does not matter because of two things: One I have already mentioned - Esme. My love for her occupies every single aspect of my life so that there just is no more space for other thoughts.

And second, I am hoping for a miracle. Maybe she will come back from vacation to tell me that she will leave me because of someone she met there. Or, she won't come back at all because she already moved in with somebody.

I know this won't happen. But I'm sitting in my living-room, texting Esme who is going to meet her boyfriend Les very soon, and probably a proposal.

I never needed a miracle more urgent than today.

I am an official PumpkinHollic, love you beb:)

Do I need to say more?

Do you like the changes that I have recently made to the look and feel of my blog???

Tell me what you think by leaving a comment on this post.

As I said before, your feedback is very important for me, and I thank you all ahead of time for letting me know what you think; whether it was good or bad.

Story of my life this week, and the week before that, no, how about this past year. Sheesh, it's weird realizing you're growing up when you're still growing up.

My favorite song by The Clash, which I have been listening to way too much lately.

Remember the Glow Worm??!! I totally had one!

Anywho... that's that.

On my mind this week:

1. The Five Senses: smell, feel, hear, taste, see. Don't forget about them! You'd be surprised how much you have. This is one of the reasons why I love kids- they are soo in touch with all their senses. The tiny black spots on a lady bug, the sound of a whistle, the feeling of grass, their fascination with something like a flashlight. One time I took one of my kids from the Boys and Girls Club outside to pour a cup of milk into a puddle outside, and he was soo captivated by the way the water became cloudy, ha it was fun.

2. Be Nice: It's good, it makes you feel happy and it makes others feel happy. Pretty simple huh?

3. Acquaintances: I have so many of them.... it kinda makes me sad because I'd rather have them as real friends but that takes so much work nowadays, even with "real friends".

4. I hate saying good-bye: With my job I have to say "bye" to kids all the time because I only coach them for so many weeks at a time. This weekend I volunteered at Bumbershoot with some really cool people, whom I also had to say "bye" to because they were all from San Francisco. Old friends from back home... whom you also say "bye", and other people too. I hate making a great connection with someone or falling in love with an adorable kid and just saying "bye", knowing you'll probably never see them again. Ohhh it makes me sad.

5. New Orleans: Let's hope things go better this time.

suddenly i woke up this morning,
at maybe 4 or 5 o'clock

woke up coz my phone was ringing
i took my phone, and realized that my reminder had just made it rang.

and i saw the message....

and then i realized what the reminder should to be

coz today could be the day...
that i used to be with her...

so i just then slept
but then i was dreaming..
dreaming about her,

a real dream in my sleep,
just me and you, laugh together...

don't know what kind of dream that is..

but i do wake up 30 minutes later..

a short dream...but it just made me think about today...

nothing that i can do...

but i take my phone, and send her a message..
a 'good morning' message...

i don't know why i did that..
but i think that is the only thing i can do...

so i just walk on today...and i then i have message from her..

'a morning ' too from her..

i don't know what to think or feel,
but the sun is keep shinning...
and i take my chance to finish this day...
and here i am at the last of the day..

and i will remember today...

-2- September-2008