suddenly dwell upon me that, he could well leave me one day. the day he had enough of me and my neverending nonsense, my stubbornness and temper, my brokenness and imperfections. i fear that this day will come.

a girl so broken, not exactly the easiest person to love.

oh wells. insecurity is an asshole. screw it lah.

In this reference a systematic review found the proportion of pregnancies terminated post-diagnosis of Down's syndrome was 91-93%.

In 2002, ethics committees were on the whole opposed to screening, however the authors themselves question the validity of the opinions of the ethics committees studied to the answering of the ethical question.

This blog is rightly concerned with the way Sarah Palin's anti-abortion stance and her Down's syndrome have stirred the media, and asks for a frank discussion of the rights of the disabled. (Godwin's Law violations will need to be forgiven
The writer refers to the case of Baby Doe - an American controversy from the Regan era. I'd never heard of this case, but it involved the parents of a Down's syndrome baby born with a tracheo-oesophageal fistula (in this case relatively simple and low risk to correct surgically) refusing corrective surgery and allowing their child to die of starvation. Supreme Court intervention was sought, but it was unsuccessful and the child died. The Baby Doe Law was enacted in response.

Lastly, this. What a thing to research!

My thoughts:

• It is very tempting (but wrong) to assume the moral high ground on this one and pour contempt on the parents who feel compelled to make the tragic choice to terminate. I will not do this.
• While selective abortion in the case of Down's syndrome will never be acceptable to my personal ethics, I think a salient and less controversial issue is the provision of excellent supportive care to parents and children with Down's, and the sensitive, ethical and moral genetic counselling of patients. This is the cause I will direct my energy toward, without abandoning my ethical opposition to abortion.

I think your position on this issue will have something to do with how you feel about disease. When is someone so unhealthy that it would have been better had they not been born? On what basis can one make that choice?

( Note: Clearly there is more involved in the decision to terminate post Down's Syndrome diagnosis, but the question remains relevant since the expected quality of life of the baby is surely an important factor in the decision to terminate)

It follows revelations that she is facing an ethics probe and her unmarried teenage daughter Bristol ( nice name ) is pregnant.

I must admit, I did stifle  snigger when I read last night that Palin had been strong in the anti camp to stop sex education in schools......

But this Sarah Palin, could give even Obama a run for his money, if old McCain snuffs it on the road to the White House- she is a mother of five, with a great figure and style, a governor, a hardworking mom to five , including one Down's Syndrome baby.

Mrs Palin is staunchly anti-abortion, and pro-life groups welcomed the decision to keep the child.

I'll hand it to her, if she weathers this storm, she could be made of exactly the mettle America needs.

Everyday I'm reminded of those secretive razor years and everyday I see the evidence left from my last attempt. Saturday was the first day in 9 months that I've rummaged through my bag for a blade. I didn't use it. I didn't add to the tally of scars. I was tempted though. The worst thing to me though is that stopping cutting wasn't the end to the self harm. I still scratch. I still bruise and I still take too many pills. I still think about cutting every single day.

I'm hoping this can be put down to a bad day amidst depression. I know these episodes last. I'm not expecting to wake up full of the joys of spring but if I can make it out of pyjamas to get to my psych appointment without crying then it'll be an achievement. I feel incredibly weepy and things are back to warping and moving. I'm worried that the people and the man will come back.

My dad's in pain and I feel guilty for being angry at him for treating me like shit all day because he's in pain. It's not an excuse for him but he is really struggling at the moment...we're not a good mix right now. I feel guilty for saying he's treated me like shit. And that sounds worse than it is. He's just had me running around for him, at his beck and call all day and even when I spent 3hours trying to fix something for him, I'm made to feel bad for not fixing it. I would've if I could but how am I meant to know what to do if no one else in the house can?

So guilty, inadequate, depressed, suicidal and weepy with the added bonus of a psych appointment to grin inanely through. Lovely.

work, r/s & health.

i am sick. down with fever, sore throat, cough and running nose.

first time since a long long while.

my gym regime was seeing me thru very healthy days but not to last.

i gymed today even though i was feverish - tell me i am crazy.

and the run not onli didnt make me feel better, it worsened my flu.

someone's birthday that day,

but instead of celebrating it with him,i played him out and went on other plans.

yes, the worst thing you can do to someone, yet on his burfday.

i shd nvr have agreed. but i did and i couldnt live up to it.

i am feeling really guilty, but my emotions are all messed up.  

work is a pile of mess.

everything i m managing ppl more than i am doing work.

i am seriously overloaded and no avenue of release.

i have alot of unhappiness bottled up.

i dunno how to relieve it.

i am so so so tired, of everything.

In two ways you could say I'm "home". I'm back from the university trials of trailing round campus after campus and I'm also back to my all too familiar depression.  Nothing's changed. The clocks still move. Time still tick tocks on yet I've gone from lightening speed to a foggy sluggish crawl in a day or so. The nights are still impregnable by sleep yet when I was "up" I never tired and had "something to do" as sleep replacement anyway and now down I lie awake tortured.

Seesaw mood.

I should probably summarise my trip out anyway. Thursday was York and Durham, which is where we stayed. York was in a word, shit. In two words, very shit and in a sentence, York University was one of the most physically lonely and depressing places I've ever been to. Durham, although best at English, which is my subject choice, was pretty dull. Whether this was because of the half up, half drunk-feeling I had, I don't know but it certainly wasn't as vibrant as my mind was expecting to thrive on. To me it was pretty much a market town with a cathedral which bumped it up to city - it was tiny. There were some really quaint little roads etc and if you were daring enough, like I was at the time, you could find some independent little cafes away from the other folk.

I'm applying to neither.

This morning, after a night on a travelodge sofa (we booked into a family room in Durham but being a bit of a clean freak, I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the stained pull out mattress that was designated for me. They hadn't cleaned the room properly and it was pretty grim) and then headed up to Edinburgh. I've been there before and always thought it was beautiful. It doesn't feel "flat" like York and Durham with all it's imposing and beautiful architecture. Blah blah blah, there's lots I could say about Edinburgh but by this time my mind was heading south and flagging up warning signs, I was hallucinating and hearing things. Not enough to be noticed by others, I didn't react in other words, but enough to disturb me a little.

I'm going to apply.

I'll try post later. My head is somewhere else.

I spent the morning pretty much out of it, but in the non drugged way. Just one of those spaced out, far away moods. Outer space moods. I guess the D thing had something to do with that. My mum woke me up about 9 to go tablet talking with my GP. Long story short, I was that out of it we couldn't have a "proper chat", I've concerned him but, all in all the deed was done and I'm starting the tablet form of fluoxetine today. Oh joy!

So a slow amble back home to bed, few hours on the Sims and I find myself in my room curling my hair to go out and I didn't feel bad or panicky about it at all. I'll even admit to a little hairbrush singing and dancing as I went about my dolling up business. The fog dissipated and revealed, rather spectacularly, butterfly me. Before as the caterpillar I was slow and sluggish and fat and green and bad so took to my bed shaped chrysallis. Now I'm colourful. I'm flitting about. I'm flying, I'm laughing, I'm running about and singing to the passers by. My only minor problem with not being about the sit still is that eyeliner is one big pain in the arse to do in a wiggley mood so I messed that up a few times. It didn't matter. I was beautiful. I was the best. I was going to have everyone look at me in town. Everything loved me. Everyone loved me. And hell even my thighs weren't a problem. Invincible me.

I'm on top of the world.

This is when my mate arrived, quick dash to the train station, few very loud conversations about this and that, embarrassing to others but not to us. The sort of inconsiderate crap that my depressed self hones in on. Didn't matter though did it. I was flying. Flip flap flying.

We got into Manchester 5ish and went to Millie's Cookies for tea. 2 chocolate, 3 milk choc chip, 3 white choc chip. They tasted amazing! You should really go and I'd rant about it a little more if it didn't mean feeling like a billboard.

Anyway onwards and upwards or downwards technically because you have to go down a slope to get to Market street from Piccadilly blah blah blah. But yes it was raining but I like the rain so I was dandy. It was the inconsiderate folk out there on the streets that were getting on my wick with their big old umbrellas and side stepping infront of me. Solution was turning myself into a battering ram, grabbing S's hand and throwing myself out there. Picture comic strip Emma, "Wham", "BAM", "CRASH, BANG" and then almost getting flattened by a car when I ran out into the road because I decidedly had right of way. Stupid dicks.

We eventually got to a long queue at the cinema. Who knows what all those people were doing there. I don't. We'd met up with J at this point. If I hadn't already mentioned(??) we were watching Angus, Thongs and perfect FULL FRONTAL Snogging. Yes admittedly childish BUT, those books were written for us because we were the reading age when they were written so it was only right that we went to see it, see? Needless to say it was pretty shit but, to steal Georgia's line, "I laughed like a loon on loon tablets", all the way through when the rest sat in silence. They're were bloody awful actors, but this to me, made it all the more funny. It reminds me a bit of this film me, S and the male S went to see. I sat in hysterics throughout this really gory horror. While everyone was shrieking, you could hear me chuckling away in the back.

Sang my way up to the station where we promptly missed the train and had to go sit in Starbucks. For those who don't know, I HATE Starbucks and everything about flaming Starbucks. It's a shitty, pretensious, overly expensive, crappy coffee place. Indeed I wasn't too happy about being dragged in and being made to pay 3 quid for a bit of juice blended with ice. But seeing as I was there, I'd payed to drink my drink INside the place, I got as comfy as I could on a sticky armchair with napkin protection and made my drink last right past closing time. And while S and J had finished I sat there and made sure I drank every little last bit. What a bitch you're probably saying. I know I certainly get a little pissy with the customers at Oxfam who out stay their welcome after 6 but what I was going was "right" in my head anyway. I was making a one woman stand against Starbucks. Powerful stuff!

Rest of the night was spent trying to make spaghetti bolognase with quorn instead of mince and dischi volanti, which is the best pasta in the world, and drink drink drinking. There was lots of dancing to the Spice Girls. Singing to A1 and both to "I like the way you.." by the Bodyrockers. It was only S that stayed the night because J is volunteering for summer but we had a laugh until she fell asleep and I spent the rest of the night wild awake, trying not to shake and wake her up. She slept like a baby.

]]> http://eccedentesiat.wordpress.com/?p=190 Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:06:27 +0000 eccedentesiast http://eccedentesiat.wordpress.com/?p=190 More for my own records rather than anything else. Just to put it down. I can't concentrate enough to post properly.

Well, I finally saw my care co-ordinator. I've been pretty wired all day, my 4.15 appointment didn't change this, just pushed my anxiety up a notch. She mentioned the bipolar. I didn't. She just said she's been taking about the big possibility with Dr E. So maybe all was not forgotten? They're "monitoring it" anyway.

So things we covered in our appointment that expanded from your average 50 mins to 90:

• Anxiety - big thing, since coming off the meds it's got a lot worse. She's given me this workbook thing to fill in for next time.
• "Mood fluctuations" - how my highs are higher and my lows lower.
• Suicide - I denied plans but have got hold of the crisis numbers for out of hours and for the duty team so have someone to call 24 hours a day.
• Voices - the whispering, breathing bloke in my ear. I briefly mentioned seeing things but was very vague and quickly changed the subject.
• Boyfriend - Long story short, I should get rid.
• Meds - I'm going to see my GP tomorrow morning for tablets rather than liquid but she thinks I'll be needing different ones if/when the BP is confirmed. Prozac is now more to stabilise my anxiety apparently.
• The clock on the wall that had stopped - cue me getting quite, embarrassingly frantic and her trying to get me to stop fixating.

Anyway, we wrote a new care plan. She's actually going to give me a copy this time. I'm too see her on the 20th August with a copy of the mood diary I deleted the other day.

Last night: Just wanted to say that I was sorry for being such a shit. I've been drinking again tonight but not so bad, I feel a bit calmed though, still agitated. All in all, after the last post I got in the bath and opened up my wrists, or that's what my mind decided I'd done, the water blushed red, then as quickly as it'd happened, my arms healed and the water was back to clear. In response I got drunk and became fixated on dragging my CD player into the bath with me. Swimming with Portishead. I remember wanting that.

I guess this doesn't need to be said really but I didn't get to paddle with electricity or Portishead. Instead I made the bath deeper and lay underneath the water for a while then came online, feeling sorry for myself, for some incoherency.

Again I'm sorry.

Feeling sick, just off out to talk to D..

yeah~ I'm once again moody... Time for some depressing songs to bring it to saturation.

梁静茹:《彩虹》

[audio http://hpgqww.bay.livefilestore.com/y1pAqluPeYOLCHtWFRngRLC7b-MWRSe29yLXcSc_wCCc9whN6z-dLYtS2uVK3N95Qp0m_8Zd79nXUdlRU4APMsL3w/2-03%20Cai%20Hong.mp3]

坐在浴缸里   蓬蓬头
代替我哭泣   像下雨
其实我不知道   眼泪有没有流
就像这故事中   你有没有爱过我

虚弱的窗帘   留不住
房里的黑夜   也要走.
清晨唤醒了我   照亮昨夜的梦
一直到这时候   才开始有一点懂

你的爱就像彩虹   雨后的天空
绚烂却教人迷惑   蓝绿黄红
你的爱就像彩虹   我张开了手   却只能抱住风

你的爱就像彩虹   雨后的天空
绚烂却教人迷惑   你的轮廓
你的爱就像彩虹   我张开了手   却只能抱住风.

吻我离开我   你就像
出太阳下雨   难捉摸
越是努力揣摩   越是搞不懂
只好慢慢承认   这故事叫做错

一层一层   一层一层   一层一层   有一层层   的迷宫   我来不及回头
忽左忽右   忽上忽下   忽东忽西   忽前忽后   的折磨   都是你的捉弄

吻我离开我   你就像
出太阳下雨   难捉摸
越是努力挽留   越是一无所有
只有慢慢期待   雨后你的影踪

蔡健雅:《空白格》

[audio http://hpgqww.bay.livefilestore.com/y1pVjrsVtOEZ78mLpXcBlkcol2m16v2mOUBVubzGA06ILkgG9O09pLuAzzOt6pOKJUYqbObRhBuSq8/04%20Kong%20Bai%20Ge%20%E7%A9%BA%E7%99%BD%E6%A0%BC.mp3]

其实很简单 其实很自然
两个人的爱由两人分担
其实并不难 是你太悲观
隔着一道墙不跟谁分享
不想让你为难
你不再需要给我个答案

我想你是爱我的
我猜你也舍不得
但是怎么说 总觉得
我们之间留了太多空白格

也许你不是我的
爱你却又该割舍
分开或许是选择
但它也可能是我们的缘分

其实很简单 其实很自然
两个人的爱由两人分担
其实并不难 是你太悲观
隔着一道墙不跟说分享
不想让你为难

你不再需要给我个答案
我想你是爱我的
我猜你也舍不得
但是怎么说 总觉得
我们之间留了太多空白格

也许你不是我的
爱你却又该割舍
分开或许是选择
但它也可能是我们的缘分

我想你是爱我的
我猜你也舍不得
但是怎么说 总觉得
我们之间留了太多空白格

也许你不是我的
爱你却又该割舍
分开或许是选择
但它也可能是我们的缘分

What do one do when one have nothing substantial to grasp onto? It's as if one is drowning, and is waiting for a nonexistent(?) float to arrive. The positive ones will continue to tread water, because the happier memories and moments are worth the wait. Others choose to face the truth or reality and stop...

Other depressing thoughts

Sometimes I let myself wonder to the far future, where I am already old and ready to die. What age would that be? When would I have accomplished enough that I can just let go and leave without even a tingling yearn to stay? Or given that I am such a perfectionist, maybe this day would never come. My life would never be perfect enough for me to leave it as it would be.

And what happens to the people around me? I guess nothing would worry me more than my other half, the person if I am lucky enough to find, the person that makes me whole. I've tried imagining having the role reversed, when that half leaves earlier than me. It hurts so much even when it's just pure imagination.

The Notebook... Away from Her... Movies involving old couples separating... Hmm... I guess I am not ready to face such stuffs in reality yet. What could possibly prepare me? I wonder...

now i lost it. inferiority, low esteem, fear of rejection is back. i dono who i am, nothing seems right. i dont know what to do anymore.

God, i need You.

If you came here wondering what I've done the past few days, here it is. Went to Long Island at some point to swim and dress up in crazy shit. Bought a new pair of shoes at the mall there. Spent way too much time in New Jersey getting way too attached to someone that, as harsh as it sounds, I may never see again. And even if I do, I'd never be able to commit to anything or care about her as much as she deserves to be cared about because I'm way too fucked up from the last time I got way too attached to someone. Oh, and I shaved my beard and pasted the hair onto Ernie's face. I also started a fire with an entire can of gasoline that warranted three firetrucks and numerous police cars. Actually, the number of mischief charges I'd be slapped with if only the Lyndhurst police had any idea is surprisingly high.

A huge thank you to Monk and his mom for putting up with the three of us for so long. You're both amazing and welcome to booby trap me in my own home should you ever come to London. :/

I miss someone from America. I only care about one person from London. I have mixed feelings about someone from Guelph. And one of the three should hate me, by all means. I'll stop before I ramble.

I want to go home (to find out of I still have electricity, since I forgot to pay the bill that was due on the 7th), start the punk band I've been discussing with someone, get a job, pay off my debts, get tattooed, save up, and leave again for a long time. If you can help with any of the above, I want to hear from you. If you can't, I probably don't.

I'm such a hateful person, but why shouldn't I be? Fuck this life.