i feel like shit. why am i not allowed happiness?

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ps - thanks for all the nice comments.. much appreciated.
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So here's my protocol for IVF#1:

I start with a 175IU Follistim shot in the AM, 2-vials of Menopur mixed in 1ml of saline water in the PM. Both Menopur and Follistim help with follicular growth. I was instructed to give myself these injections in my belly sub-cutaneously (just under the skin as opposed to in the muscle) exactly 12 hours apart. 7:30 was the time I picked. My RE's office wanted to monitor me every 2 to 3 days with an ultrasound to check my follicle growth and blood work to check my estradiol levels (the amount of estrogen in my blood -- the higher the levels, the higher the activity in my ovaries). Depending on the results from the u/s and b/w, they would adjust my meds accordingly. Later in the stimming process, I would add a couple more drugs called Ganarelix and MicroDose hCG to mature my follicles and finally, Ovidrel, the hCG trigger shot that would induce ovulation. After ER and just before ET, I start the mondo PIO shots!!! That freakin' thing scared me the most. 1 and a 1/2 inchs of needle that needs to go in my hip! I dreaded this the most.

Here's my time line for IVF#1...

Aug 7th - We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and as a gift, we picked up our box of IVF meds today. Fun fun!! I was really excited. I had been waiting for this day for the past couple of months. We ordered our IVF meds through a local pharmacy. I will post some pics later.

Aug 19th - Base u/s and b/w. E2 levels:32. Apparently right where they should be.

Aug 22nd - First day of stims: 175IU Follistim (AM) + 2 vials of Menopur (PM). Hubs had to fly out of town early morning for work... which means I was left all alone at home to do my first ever injection on my freaking own...AHHHH! That morning, my heart was beating so hard and fast that I could literally hear it. It was just the Follistim in the morning... a thin (29 gauge) and tiny (1/2") needle. I decided... OK pinch skin with one hand, hold syringe in another hand, count to 3 and then poke it in. Got everything ready, needle all ready to go in, 1...2...3 and nothing... I COULD NOT get myself to poke myself! (Who in their right mind would want to inflict pain onto themselves!?!) God... this is nuts! After doing that for about 20 times or so, I got the needle in...whew...but guess what, I couldn't reach the plunger to push the medication in!!! When I tried to get to the plunger, the freakin' needle came out and poked my hand! Ouch! Oh... I was such a mess! Replace the needle, do the dance again, and finally administered myself my first IVF shot! YAY!! I was sooo proud of myself... I couldn't contain it! :) In retrospect, Follistim is a piece of cake... (I could do that in my sleep today if I had to!) It was the smallest and thinnest needle I encountered throughout IVF. But once I got through my first shot, I could handle the rest pretty well.

Aug 25th - 1st u/s and b/w. E2 levels:153

Aug 26th - 1st Acupuncture appt. Yeah... I know... I still hate needles! But apparently studies have shown that acupuncture can boost the chances of success for IVF patients! I decided to give it a try... anything I can do to help the process. Actually, it wasn't bad at all. My acupuncturist was awesome. She was very mindful of the fact that it was my first time and it was great...I didn't feel a thing.

Aug 28th - 2nd u/s and b/w. E2 levels: 840. Lots of follies. Total of 11, averaging about 9mm. Follistim still at 175IU in the morning but my RE lowered my Menopur dosage to 1 vial

Aug 30th - 3rd u/s and b/w. E2 levels: 2388. Follistim lowerd to 125IU. Add Ganarelix and 50ml of MicroDose HCG along with 1 vial of Menopur to the list. That meant 3 separate shots in my belly in the evening! Yikes! Also had my 2nd acupuncture appt today.

Aug 31st - 4th u/s and b/w. E2 levels: 4200. My E2 levels were very high that my doc was concerned about hyperstimulation. He asked me to stop Menopur. But asked me to continue other meds. Follies were looking great. I had a total of 17 follicles, biggest being 17mm. He wanted to see atleast 6 follies above 18mm before I trigger.

Sep 1st - 5th u/s and b/w. E2 levels:5480. My E2 levels had increased even more. Follistim was reduced to 75IU. Follies were all finally ready -- about 8 or so follicles were above 19mm. Yoohooo! I was asked to stop all meds. I was to give myself the hCG trigger shot at exactly 7:30pm and was asked to come in for ER @ 7am two days later. Ah... the drama for the hCG trigger shot...that deserves a separate post. Let's just say that I had to get the Ovidrel replaced from my pharmacy. Thank God we opted for a local pharmacy. And I can't thank the pharmacist enough for coming into work on Labor day just to refill my Ovidrel prescription! If not for her, we would have cancelled my cycle!

Sep 2nd - 3rd Acupuncture appt

Sep 3rd - Egg Retrieval. Got 18 eggs. 16 were mature. 12 fertilized w/ ICSI. By this time, I couldn't even walk straight. The pressure and the fullness from my ovaries that were filled with all these amazing >20mm follicles was quite a situation. I just wanted them out. The procedure was as smooth as it could be. I was given a general anesthetic for the procedure and my hubs did a pretty good job of keeping me doped up with hydrocodone (narcotic pain killer) at home. I just lay in bed and slept all day! Because of my very high E2 levels, I was now at risk of developing a serious condition called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome or OHSS. Apparently my ovaries responded too well to the medications! Were they actually blaming my ovaries for doing their job?!.. these docs I tell you! As my RE explained it to me, OHSS is a condition where my veins are unable to hold water within itself. So water tends to ooze out of its walls into the abdominal and chest cavities. Gross! I know... but very serious! So I was told to keep my protein and electrolyte consumption high. So I drank nothing but Gatorade for the next week! I was also told that they would postpone ET if I have any symptoms of OHSS as a pregnancy can worsen the condition. Bummer! So here I was... chugging as much Gatorade as my bladder could handle and praying that ET would not be canceled.

One awesome thing that happened was that the RN that looked after me during the ER said I could use 23G, 1" needles for my PIO shots instead of the 22G, 1and 1/2" needles! I was sooo happy.

Sep 5th - Start 1ml of PIO shots in the evening. After the Follistim drama, hubs promised to be there for the PIO shots. He administered my first shot. I was soo freaked out but it wasn't as painful as I had imagined it. My trick... Ice the area long enough so that it is practically numb to the touch. This way, I don't feel the needle go in at all. Hubs had to go out of town for an entire week during this phase, so I had to learn to give myself the PIO shots. I started doing that from the 2nd day onwards. It wasn't bad at all! I got used to it pretty quick.

Sep 6th - Embryo Transfer. The RE evaluated me for any OHSS symptoms. I was OHSS-free as of that moment but the peak time for contracting OHSS was at least a couple of days away. It usually peaks 8-10 days past the hCG trigger shot. Since I was OHSS-free on that day, the RE agreed to transfer that day. YAY! We transferred 2 8-cell grade 3 embryos. DH and I wanted to transfer 3 embryos but the RE wasn't comfortable with that (given my age and my increased risk for OHSS). We even got a little ultrasound picture of our 2 3-day old embies! I will post the pic when I get a chance.

Out of the 10 remaining embies, 5 embryos were frozen that day at the 3-day phase and the other 5 were left to mature till day 5. Only 1 made it to the freezing standards of the clinic. So we have one frozen blast.

Sep 18th - Beta... which we now know as a BFN. Booo!

So there you have it my friends... We are all caught-up now.

The doctor said to call them tomorrow if I haven't started.  I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I don't want to.  I think I'm actually scared to test.  *sigh*  Why does this have to be so hard??

also ihr feschen bayerkofener dadraußen... wann gemma auf'd wiesn?

Viele Grüße aus Nürnberg

I am sad, but not as sad as I was anticipating.  I think it was better to get my AF before I took a HPT and got a BFN.  I understood intellectually that it doesn't happen right away.  This was our first time trying.  I know that healthy couples have only a 40% chance of getting pregnant in the first three months.  Emotionally, I was deeply invested in this pregnancy already!  My DH says it's set up that way so that you get emotionally invested in the baby way before he is born.  Which made me feel better... now, but I might not agree a year from now.  So, I'm not pregnant.  I really thought I was.  I feel a little silly for obsessing over all my imaginary pregnancy symptoms, but they felt so real!

I am going chart my BBT and use the OPK again.  I am also interested in reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility."  And, so starts day 1 of cycle #2.

So today is Monday, Monday is CD1.  Wednesday is CD3 Cycle Monitoring day.  That will include: 1 full bladder ultrasound, 1 vagcam encounter, 1 blood test, 1 prescription for 5x 50mg Clomid tablets which I will start taking on CD 5, Friday.  Then come the hot flashes, then the irritability, then the week long vagcam encounters (3-4 or more), and an equal number of blood draws, then an HCG needle in my ass (ouch), then the 5 day naked twister marathon with the man, then the 2 weeks of progesterone supplements… I swear, my vajayjay hasn’t had this much action since, well, since Cycle 12! (HA!)

And, to top off the gloriousness that was Cycle 12, Mr. Yeast Infection has come for a visit.  Yes the clinic warned me that it would be a possible side effect of the Progesterone suppositories I had to take, but it became burningly clear last night after a quick tumble with the man that yes, the discomfort I’ve been feeling but ignoring for the last few weeks is in fact, a yeast infection.  Too much vajayjay action means that all the good bacteria get out of whack and here we are, at the beginning of my period and the beginning of a 3 day course of yeast busting medication.

Are we having fun yet?

So we were all set for 3 medicated IUI cycles. I was prescribed 50mg of Clomid to be taken from CD3 to CD7. Start using OPKs to determine my LH surge from CD10. A positive on the OPK would mean that ovulation was imminent in the next 24-48 hrs. So I was to call the RE's office to let them know when it happens. The next day, my hubs gets to go drop off his swimmers, and an hour or so later I get to have the millions of his best swimmers transferred into my uterus.

So IUI#1 was on January 5th 2008... BFN, IUI#2 was on February 2nd 2008... BFN. The 2WWs after the insemination drove me nuts. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed a break. For the past year, my life was surrounded around trying to get pregnant! And oddly, I was sick of it. I was sick of the OPKs, the HPTs, the waiting, the hoping, and the disappointments that followed. I just needed to take some time off. So we decided to take a couple of months off and went in for IUI#3 on May 31st 2008.... also a BFN! By this time, I had switched from the really cold Dr. A to the really calm Dr. P. (He was the one who performed IUIs #2 and #3. I liked him.)

Appt w/ Doc P on July 1st to discuss our next options. Talked abt a bunch of things... but it all boiled down to the fact that we are done trying and we dont want to waste any more time... aka... In Vitro Fertilization. I was scheduled for a battery of tests to determine if I were a candidate for IVF -- base FSH, E2 levels, etc, etc.  Before I go into what my protocol was, here is the general theory behind how IVF works (at least the way I understand it).

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am a patient. The knowledge I gained is primarily from my IVF experience and Dr.Google. I am writing this so I can remember what IVF was 30 yrs later. And YES.... I hope to forget all about it by then.

Phases of IVF - The way I know it

Phase 1 is suppression of the follicles. This phase usually starts either right before you period starts or soon after. The RE wants to make sure that all the follicles are suppressed enough so that when the start stimming, all of the follicles grow at an even rate. This phase lasts for about 10-12 days.

Phase 2 is follicle growth. With the help of hormonal injections, the follicles in the ovaries are stimulated. You are monitored every couple of days to ensure that the follicles are all growing at a good, steady  rate. The amount of meds taken during this cycle will vary depending on how your body responds. This phase usually lasts for about 8 days.

Phase 3 is follicle maturation. As the follicles grow bigger, towards the end of the stimming phase, more meds are added to the mix to enable the follicles (and the eggs) to mature. Other meds are added to suppress the LH surge that your body wants to produce because of the increased number of follicles. This is to prevent the follicles from releasing their eggs (ovulation) on their own.

Phase 4 is follicle release. When the desired number of follicles reach a desired size (My RE waited until he saw at least 4 follicles above 19mm), a trigger shot is added to aid with the final maturation and have the follicles start loosening their grip on the eggs inside them. This shot has to be administered at the exact time indicated by your RE. The reason is 40-48 hours after the med enters your system, the ovaries will release all the mature eggs into your fallopian tubes. Once this happens, the RE cannot get to the eggs. He will want to get them before this happens

Phase 5 is Egg Retrival (ER). 36 hrs after the trigger shot, a surgery is performed to extract all the mature eggs from both the ovaries. This is done by making incisions through the vaginal wall. The procedure takes about 40 minutes or so and you will be sent home within a couple of hours. The same day, your hubs will be asked to deliver a sample of his swimmers. Your eggs and his swimmers will be placed in a petri dish to help them make embryos. If you choose so, the sperm can be injected into your eggs. This procedure is called Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection or most commonly referred to as ICSI (also pronounced as: iksee)

Phase 6 is Embryo Transfer (ET). This is the process of transferring a specific number of embryos (usually 1 or 2) into your uterus. The rest of the embryos (if any) are frozen for later use (if necessary). This transfer is done on 3, 5, or 6 days after the retrieval. Hence the terms 3-day transfer or 5-day transfer. The 5- and 6-day transfers are usually referred to as blast transfers (referring to the embryo growth of upto 32-64 cells). This is a minor procedure... very similar to an IUI... except they want you to have a full bladder so they can see where they are placing the embryos.

Phase 7 is the dreaded 2 week wait (2WW). This is when the big needles come into play. Progesterone in Oil or PIO shots. Actually, you start the shots a day or two before the Embryo Transfer. These are once-a-day shots that help thicken the uterine lining. This enables the embryos to stick to the uterus. This is also the phase where you sit and hope and pray that all these needles are worth something towards the end!

Phase 8 is the Beta test... aka the blood test to detect a viable pregnancy. This is a quantitative hCG test that measures the hCG levels (also known as the pregnancy hormone) in your blood . If the RE sees a viable pregnancy, you will be asked to follow up with 2 more betas each two days apart. The theory is the amount of hCG present in your system should double every 48 hrs and so they want to see three good doublings to have confidence that the pregnancy is progressing as normal.

So... there you have it.

Info about my actual protocol to be continued in Part III.

I get to see my RE for a consult on Monday.

Can't write anything more!

horoscope courtesy of the toronto star

I got another bfn today.  That's 4.  Today I am 11dpo.  Last year, when I got my first bfp, I was at 13dpo.  I don't think this cycle has been a success.  But then, that's the feeling I've had all along.  Along with the bfn's my temps have leveled out which they never do.  Sure the progesterone is probably the cause, but if I were pregnant I'd be producing my own progesterone by now and my temps would still be going up and down.  They're not.  They've leveled off at 36.80 for the last 4 days.  That means my temps are now solely under the influence of the progesterone supplements I'm on.  If I wasn't on them, my period would have started today or possibly tomorrow.  As it is, I have to stay on the supplements until the blood test at the clinic on Saturday morning.  When they give me the official BFN, then I can go off the progesterone.  Then cycle 13 will start.  Ooh, 13.  That can't be good.   I guess only time will tell.

For now I'm just looking forward to my birthday on Saturday.

And the blackberry I'm going to buy myself soon with the insurance cheque we got for the stuff that got stolen out of our car 2 weeks ago.

And the clothes I'm goin to buy with my birthday money.

And shoes.

Shiny things make me happy.

Result: A stark white result window with a single line!

Whatever! Its not like I have ever seen two lines in the result window before. I have heard stories that it exists. If I haven't seen it, I can't miss it.... right? Yeah... right!

In any case, I think I am done grieving for this one. I was very surprised to see how well I handled this. I didn't cry so much! I was emotional, there were tears but I wasn't curled up in a corner sobbing my eyes out. (Personally, between you and me, I think my tear ducts are running dry.... but that's besides the point.)

At the start of this IVF cycle, I dreaded this day -- the day that I realize that I have just flushed $15,000 down the toilet! We are lucky insurance covered part of it. But I think from now on, we are on our own financially. But hubs promised me that I don't have to worry abt the money! I thank God for that every single day! We are very fortunate for that!

All that aside... Today is my 27th birthday. So Happy Birthday to me. I am trying to push all of this IVF crap to the back of my mind (I really am trying... stop being skeptical). So far so good.

Result: BFN....A really Big Fat Negative on 10dp3dt (10 days past a 3-day transfer). Beta is 3 days away (on the 18th)

I am doing OK. I am trying to control my emotions. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to console myself in every which way possible. I just don't want to loose it. Tomorrow is my b'day. I turn 27. I am not that old. This was my first IVF. I have 6 embryos in the freezer (5 8-cell embryos and 1 blast). I have to brace myself for a FET cycle. Pregnancy rates are lower than fresh-embryo cycles but its better than 0%. I will have a happy birthday tomorrow.

I haven't totally given up on this one yet. I am just bracing myself for the negative beta test. Its OK... I am a big girl, I can handle it. I tested in the evening using the First Response brand. The test says first morning urine is best.  So I will test one more time tomm morning. But, I think the chances are slim given that the result window was stark white today.

I am not pregnant (yet)!    But I will survive.

Like my hubs always says, "This too shall pass!"

Right?

Crap... I need another box of Kleenex

Namun walaupun di iringi banyak kendala, Pelatnas harus tetap di jalankan. Minimnya waktu pelatnas juga salah satu masalah yang serius, tetapi bukan di jadikan alasan buat timnas jika gagal nanti. Namun Penghuni timnas yang di huni oleh mayoritas pemain Electric PLN Jogja + Deny handoyo (My Futsal) dan Ahmad Saybani (Biangbola) menjadi kekuatan yang tidak bisa dianggap enteng. Waktu bersama dan komunikasi yang sudah terjalin sejak liga pro di harapkan mampu memberikan prestasi tersendiri. Apalagi Indonesia untuk kawasan ASEAN merupakan salah satu unggulan selain Thailand dan Malaysia. Selain itu juga, faktor pelatih berpengalaman Juktin Laksana akan sangat berpengaruh, karena beliau telah paham akan karakter musuh yang akan di hadapi nanti.

Pada AFF FUTSAL CHAMPIONSHIP 2008 ini indonesia berada di grup A bersama Tuan rumah Thailand, Philipina dan Myamar. Diatas kertas, hanya Thailand yang menjadi lawan tangguh bagi Indonesia dan di prediksi akan mendampingi Thailand ke semifinal sebagai runner up grup. Di Semifinal kemungkinan akan bertemu dengan malaysia yang akan menjadi jawara grup B. Pertemuan antara indonesia dan malaysia yang cukup berimbang diharapkan akan memotivasi pemain untuk membawa Indonesia ke Partai Puncak. Tentunya, Kado manis buat negeri ini yang baru saja merayakan HUT nya yang ke-63 merupakan dambaan seluruh negeri. Dan JUARA adalah kado Tersebut.

Berjuanglah TIMNAS INDONESIA di AFF FUTSAL CHAMPIONSHIP 2008 dan jadilah JUARA. Kami Seluruh rakyat Indonesia Mendukungmu demi mengharumkan nama bangsa.

Jadwal AFF FUTSAL CHAMPIONSHIP 2008

Timnas INDONESIA

Yos Adi, Ade Lesmana,Jaelani Lanjanibi (Capt), Deny Handoyo, Sayan Karmadi, Andri Irawan, M Ihsan, Sukma Nagara, Afif Tamimy,Topas Wiyantoro, Fachry Assegaff, Ahmad Syahbani.

IFL 2008 seri I sampai II dilaksanakan tanpa Sponsor, pada seri III Operator 3 menjadi Sponsor utama, hal ini merupakan suatu kemajuan. Namun Mundurnya operator 3 menjadi sponsor seri IV harus menjadi evaluasi bagi BFN maupun pelaksana. Minimnya penonton dan Kurangnya Publikasi disinyalir menjadi penyebab mundurnya operator 3. Siapapun sponsornya kalo tidak mendapat kompensasi yang setimpal pasti akan mengundurkan atau bahkan menolak untuk menjadi sponsor.

Seperti di kutip dari biangbola.com Cabang futsal sendiri digelar sejak tanggal 1 Agustus lalu. Dan menurut Suharyanto selaku Direktur Tehnik Badan Futsal Nasional (BFN), anak-anak SMK sudah bisa bermain futsal dengan baik. "Ini membanggakan bahwa kita punya talenta futsal yang tak pernah habis. Mereka sudah bermain futsal dengan baik," ujar Suharyanto yang juga pengurus klub futsal profesional Mastrans Jakarta itu.

Untuk Edisi Perdana ini, Tim Futsal dari Gorontalo Memastikan meraih medali emas setelah mengalahkan Sumatera Utara di babak Final. Tim Futsal Gorontalo menggenapkan ramalan banyak pihak untuk keluar sebagai juara dalam kejuaraan antar Sekolah Menengah Kejuruan (SMK) se-Indonesia yang masuk dalam Olimpiade Olahraga Siswa Nasional 2008.Gorontalo memastikan gelar juara seusai mengalahkan Sumatera Utara 3-1 melalui perpanjangan waktu dalam babak final yang digelar di Hall A Gelora Bung Karno, Senayan, Jakarta, hari Senin (4/8).

Gorontalo tampil baik sepanjang pertandingan, terutama melalui permainan Arif Mohamad yang mencetak satu gol. Adapun dua gol lainnya dicetak oleh Arpil Bukanta dan Karim Panglima. Sementara gol hiburan Sumatera Utara dihasilkan oleh Imam.

Sumatera Utara sendiri tampil sedikit anti klimaks setelah tampil habis-habisan di semifinal dengan mengalahkan Jawa Barat 3-2. Sedangkan Gorontalo maju ke final usai mengandaskan impian Jawa Tengah 3-1.

Sumber : [biangbola.com]

Except I don't have a mouse with a gun to my head I have this thing called infertility...

I hate it with such a passion, I hate that it makes me lose sight of the good things in my life, that it wraps me in the straight jacket that I can't break out of, that it consumes me and is slowly killing my faith and my ability to enjoy the blessings that I have...

Beta was an unsurprising NEGATIVE!  I should have known... any sign of blood in my case is JUST not a good sign...

We have to take a break, firstly because we just cannot afford more treatment now, but also because we need to heal emotionally and we need to focus on trying to be "us" again...

Thank you for all your support - as usual it blows me away at how quickly you wonderful people rally around those who need support and wrap us in your loving arms...